Research has shown that one of the most important qualities to making a relationship last is affection. True affection lies in being vulnerable. To be vulnerable however, does not mean the act of being ‘weak’ or ‘submissive.’ In fact, it is to have the courage to be yourself! Recently, in a conversation with Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Brené Brown talked about how ‘anger and blame’ were once her ‘go to’ places in her marriage and how the power of vulnerability helped her overcome this. One example she uses is, while on the verge of a fight with her spouse, she chose to let down her guard once she realized where her feelings were really stemming from and said,
“Let’s stop because I’m making up this story about what’s happening right now. The reason I am upset is because I feel like you don’t think I look cute or that you’re disappointed in something. Truth be told, I love you, I’m in fear right now, and I’m feeling dangerous.”
This act of true vulnerability helped her to diffuse a heated situation and overcome her emotions faster; something which can be applied to our own lives and in our relationships.
The effects of authenticity can even be seen in our bodies. For example, a study by Dr. James Gross, Director of the Stanford Psychophysiology Laboratory, showed that when we are inauthentic and try to hide our feelings, others respond physiologically, such as a rise in blood pressure. This physiologic response may explain our discomfort around inauthentic or ‘fake’ feelings and actions. On the other hand, when people live in the truth, (including avoiding saying little white lies), not only does their well-being increase but their relationships actually improve also.
Even outside of romance, vulnerability is something we encounter frequently: calling someone who has just lost a child, asking a friend for help, taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work, confronting a family member about their behavior, or sitting by the bedside of a friend with a terminal illness. Cultivating a safe space to be vulnerable with our significant other and the outside world requires being true to ourselves, having patience, compassion and the willingness to have a listening ear. Tag the one you love below if you found value in this concept!
Written by: Navpreet Singh Badesha
©02/21/2018 All Rights Reserved
Photo Credit: Monet Nicole – Birthing Stories
Inspired by: Emma Seppala
Listen to the full podcast here.
“Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you?”
To read more about this research, visit:
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797612443830
